A Wedding in the Family

I attended a wedding in California earlier this month. A beautiful event, which reminded me of a wedding years ago. The first family wedding which I remember to this day.

Weddings in Hyderabad are happy, busy, bright occasions where “everyone” is involved in planning, advising, and participating in the big event.

Back then if a relative or close friend had a suitable “rishta” (match) in mind they would recommend it to the parents. The families would then arrange to meet, usually at the house of a common friend or relative.

It was in the early 1950s when my cousin’s wedding took place at our house. Children were usually left out of the loop till a wedding date was fixed but we sensed something was going on. My parents, uncle, and aunt would have after-dinner conversations. Often my cousin who had just graduated from college would join them.

On a visit to my uncle’s house, we were introduced to a new family. It seemed a little odd to me since these casual visits were usually between our two families. I sat with my mother as tea and refreshments were served. I noticed my cousin seemed a little quiet and shy. It was much later that I found out this was her first introduction to her future husband and his family.

A date was soon fixed for the wedding after which discussions were more open. Relatives and friends came often to our house, at all times of the day. Shopping lists, guest lists, and to-do lists were made. The guest list was constantly updated since no relative or friend could be left out.

Fresh Jasmine Flower Buds

I was happy my cousin would be living in Hyderabad after her wedding. My uncle and aunt wanted to buy everything for her house, furniture, crockery, cutlery, linen, even a car. They went shopping almost every day. When they returned the purchases were shown to the rest of the family. Many compliments were given and my cousin was teased endlessly by my aunts. I remember dropping a whole stack of glasses then running to my father crying. He told me not to worry he would replace the set.

It was exciting to go with my cousin on shopping trips, especially when she went to Abid Road, Hyderabad’s main shopping street. Frequent stops were made at Totaram Jewelers for bridal jewelry, Akbar Brothers for silk materials, and Fashions Store in Secunderabad for the more modern sarees.

I watched as my cousin tried on her traditional bridal jewelry. A tikka (pendent of stones and pearls with a delicate chain worn on the forehead), a lacha (choker made from precious stones and pearls), and chandbali (crescent shaped earrings studded with stones and hanging pearls). Much of Hyderabadi jewelry was influenced by Moghul designs.

There were days when my cousin’s in-laws visited, then suddenly the atmosphere in the house changed. Sometimes she was asked to meet them sometimes not. Tea and snacks were hurriedly arranged, everything had to be done just right.

Invitation cards were printed in Urdu and hand-delivered. Instead of writing Mr. and Mrs., on the envelopes, I learned the more respectful way was to write “Janaab E Aali”, which translates to Sir for men, and “Muhtaramah” for a lady. We even hired a person who knew “khush naweesi” (calligraphic Urdu writing) to write the names. The invitations were sent out in the name of my mother, Begum Dr. Qasim Hussain Siddiqui, who was the bride's Khala (aunt). This was another Hyderabadi tradition to show respect for that person or persons.

The wedding invitation card posted with the kind permission of my cousin's son

As the wedding date drew near, relatives from out of town and country arrived. I loved the hustle and bustle in the house. Ayas (nannies) of children who were no longer kids arrived too, to offer a helping hand. There was a lot of laughter and joking, but often serious moments too.

Huge shamianas (large decorative tents) were set up in our backyard and our neighbor’s since men and women had separate seating. Despite his busy schedule, my father would check the outdoor arrangements. I went with him as he moved from one house to another. Workers jumped into action when they saw him. What an electrifying effect my father had on them. He wasn’t satisfied till the setup was exactly as he wanted. Beautiful large rugs were brought for the indoors and large durries for the shamianas.

I don’t recall what food was served, perhaps for someone my age, it was not important. However, in those days no wedding dinner was complete without biryani, qorma, dum-ka-gosht, baghare baigan, luqmi, and qubani-ka-meetha on the menu. I hear a variety of cuisines are served in Hyderabadi weddings now. In the shamianas we sat on durries covered with white sheets, food was served on low tables spread with red tablecloths.

The momentum picked up from the day of Mayoon or “manjha.” It was the first day of a five-day wedding celebration with only a few relatives and friends present. My cousin wore a yellow dress, as did most of the guests. I was surprised she had no makeup on or jewelry! A bride did not venture out of the house after her mayoon till her wedding day.

Every morning “tokris” (cane baskets) of flowers were delivered to our house. Garlands and hand bracelets of fresh white jasmine and red roses without which a wedding was incomplete. These were kept in a cool room for freshness till the evening. The bride wore simple garlands on Mayoon and Mehdi (henna day). The more elaborate ones were for Nikah. The house permeated with the fragrance of jasmine and roses for days.

There was plenty of “mithai” (sweets) too, brought by relatives and friends. Pink color mithai boxes and trays filled with jalebi, gulab jamuns, and ladoos, beautifully decorated with “waraq” (edible silver leaf). In Hyderabadi tradition when a gift is sent to the bride or groom’s house before the wedding, a tray of mithai is sent as well. It was customary to tip the messenger bringing the gifts.

Gifts of Glass Bangles

On Mehdi day the bride applied henna. In those days we did not have intricate henna designs, just a circle on the palm and fingertips. Gifts of bangles were given to all the girls in the family.

The day of the Nikah was far more solemn. The biggest concern was the Qazi who officiates the nikah ceremony should come on time. Messages were sent to remind him of the time and location of the event. As the evening drew near there was a sense of anticipation in the house. This was the day my cousin would be married and leave our house for her new home. With family elders as witnesses, the Qazi conducted the nikah ceremony in the presence of all the guests in the men’s shamiana. Word was sent to the ladies’ side that the nikah ceremony was done. The atmosphere lightened immediately. People congratulated each other. There were happy smiles and tears too.

With shehnai playing in the background, it was time for the bride to leave. I felt a little sad, my cousin wouldn’t be in the house every morning or join us on our outings. She would be in her own home.

The morning after the Nikah it was customary for the bride to return to her parent’s house. Around noon, the young children in the family including me were sent to bring my cousin home. She was joined by her husband later in the evening for the Chohti dinner.

Chohti is the fourth day of the wedding. It’s a sort of an ice-breaker between the two families. There was a lot of teasing and light games between the bride and groom and their relatives. I remember vaguely flower sticks and gold and silver yarn balls thrown at each other.

Since family members did not sing or dance at weddings, sometimes “Qawwali” programs (a form of Sufi devotional singing by professional singers) were held on the day of Chohti.

The last event was the Valima, the dinner given by the groom’s side for the bride’s family and friends.

To this day the fragrance of jasmine and roses and the sound of shehnai evokes memories of Hyderabadi weddings.